Expecting the unpredictable
I'm counting down the days until I enter a new chapter of life. I never thought I would become a parent. There were people who wanted to have children with me in the past, but their declarations lacked any real substance or promise. As a matter of fact, for the closeted me living in one of Poland’s more conservative cities ten years ago, the whole idea felt unrealistic, to say the least. Back then, only married couples could access fertility clinics. Even single women couldn’t, let alone queer couples, can you imagine? Back to the point.
I'm counting down the days until I become a parent. I used to be afraid I wouldn’t be able to connect with a child who isn’t biologically mine. At times, serious doubts clouded my mind. What if I didn’t feel anything? Would I be a terrible partner to my wife? Would I find her pregnancy boring? Would I become disengaged? I doubted myself too. Could I be a good parent to someone? Could I, so flawed, disorganised, impulsive, and weird, really give a child what they need? Could I be reliable, loving, and caring?
I'm counting down the days (hours?) until I become a parent. Life, with her peculiar generosity, has already offered some answers. I will never forget the first time I heard my child’s heartbeat. As you know, I’m not usually one for profound thoughts, but that moment... it was the gentlest life-changing experience. In English, one says something hits or strikes them. The image of change is violent, forceful, But there, in the doctor’s office, it felt as though an invisible hand touched my heart and held it. That feeling has never left me. It has only grown stronger over the months.
I'm counting down the hours until I become a parent. I wait in awe. Serenity pulses through my veins. Everything will change, just like a garden in spring. I am amazed by this harmony. Maybe everything is as it was meant to be. Perhaps the universe is smiling and sipping her favourite tea with milk, looking at us. I hope the tea is earl grey.
Thank you for reading.
Wiktoria
PS. In this week's music corner, music for babies ;)